Navel down fashion woes: Shoe-ish things

I really believe in the truth of my words, but not enough to stand on the street corner and spread the gospel.

Slippers in public/Pajama pants in public
The world is not your bedroom and will never be your oyster if you are aggressively ugly to people around you.  Also, that grey hooded sweatshirt is ugly.

High heels and backpacks.
You look like a hunchback.  In order to carry a backpack, you have to lean forward and into the straps.  In order to wear high heels, you have to have your chest thrust back and tilt your hips forward.  Not.  Compatible.  High heels signify that you don’t really have to walk long distances carrying anything heavier than a clutch, as you have a porter or boyfriend who dotes on you who will carry your packages.  You might even have a driver to drop you off not two feet away from the next shoe store where you buy those dainty, deadly, sexy stilts.  Wearing high heels means you might even travel from place to place by litter.  If you must wear high heels and carry something that weighs more than a half pound, make it a messenger bag, and for God’s sake, don’t stuff it full.

High heels and not walking like a lady
If you’re indulging in hobbling yourself, (it looks good when done right) do it right.  I love high heels, and part of that love is because of the beauty of the walk.  Someone I agree with said: “High heels make you both fragile and Amazonian.”  When you can walk in high heels and look confident and like a lady, then you are permitted to wear them on a daily or nightly basis.  If you’re forcing yourself to be uncomfortable by wearing heels because you want to look attractive but can’t walk right in them you’re not looking more attractive, you look like a fool.  It’s that simple.  Heels need confidence and cojones.  Without them, you might as well be carrying a nice purse wearing pajamas.  Stay home!  You’re embarrassing yourself and womankind!

Kneehigh boots with thick thighs
Not everyone can tuck their pants into their boots.  That’s a fact.  Booties and pants that hit above the ankle are lovely.  Boots cut off the legs and take away height.  That’s bad.  Also, if your pants are tight enough to tuck into your boots, having thick thighs might bring to mind a sausage.  No one wants to look like encased meats.  Okay,  if you’re two thirds leg, maybe.

Heels with too short pants

Either you’ve gained some weight, and the waistband is hitting a little higher, or you bought pants that were too short.  Pants shorter than an inch off the ground look ridiculous.  Legs look shorter.  No bueno.  Lengthen the hem, loose some weight, wear flats until these things happen.

I hope some poor soul comes across my information, recognises they need to be saved, and takes the appropriate actions.


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