July has been pink newness everywhere. It’s been my New Year’s, my back to school, my rebirth. Now I’m on the other side.
Or maybe not. I am in a completely different place, but still don’t feel right. Either I’m in the eye of the storm or I just can’t relax. The potential that this job has seems a lot more right than anything ever has professionally. The library dream is waning. The life drawing is picking up, and I’m making more money. I will find my feet financially again. I have played job and interview roulette and it hasn’t exhausted me.
I’ve been reminded that I have incredibly awesome relatives who are generous and kind. Cousin and her husband took spent a lot of time with me when they were in town, and I feel like I know them a lot better now, and I’m feeling sentimental and grateful for that experience. My grandmother and I still write letters to each other, and my mother is glad when I call.
I feel less like myself because:
I have received a haircut that makes me feel like my mother and sometimes like a sexy garconne. It’s very confusing. The student giving me the cut cut my eyelid with scissors. My nonchalant reaction to the blood made the teacher ask if I was in the medical profession.
I’ve moved into a beautiful, clean apartment with roommates whose values regarding cleanliness are compatible with mine- this is a luxury that I have not had in years. Also, I’m paying less money and am roach free.
Several tenuous relationships have changed into the beginnings of friendships, and it’s strange to consider having more friends than I can count on one hand.
I have realized (for the millionth time) that my boyfriend is reaching the infinity point of perfect. Each time I forget, the liklihood of me forgetting again is lessened. I hope.
I feel more like myself because:
I have practiced my violin so that I can enjoy playing again. Being musical is something that has been lacking the past ten years of my life. It’s good to get back.
I have been working out so that I can enjoy the fact that my body isn’t just a tool to move my brain around again. Another thing that’s been lacking.
I bought a $3 project planner to track progress. My search for the perfect organizational system will be a part of my life for a long time. I’m considering a future in notebook/planner design.
I’m graphing my feelings on an X/Y axis so I can better understand them. Looking at something on paper captures that maddening ephemeral bother and makes it manageable.