The Entire Month of April:

I don’t know what happened.  I have been running around and succeeding sometimes. I have been busy, but unfulfilled. I still see myself as an artist but I’ve only helped other people create art. I haven’t made anything for myself or those in my small group.

It’s  weird being a sales person and hearing myself say “I’ll shoot you and e-mail and we’ll touch base about that later in the week.”

I just want to climb in to “What Color is Your Parachute” and never come out.  Planning, imagining systems, structuring alternate scenarios is what I love to do more than taking action. Last week I’ve been so drained emotionally. I keep falling into sales jobs and getting discouraged when I help people but they don’t go with my recommendation. I guess I need to be more thorough about getting more facts, perhaps. Or just realize that it’s fruitless to invest emotionally in people’s lives.

I don’t feel like I work as hard as I could and am afraid to cross that threshold and loose my mind. Driving myself so hard that all I can do is come home and watch half an episode of Star Trek before I fall asleep. I don’t think that’s productivity. I don’t think that’s life.

Some people get validation from their work, but I don’t. I like making money and being able to pay my bills. But I don’t identify as a sales person or an employee of the company I work for. Soul in the side project.

I see the difference between the haves and the have-nots, wage slaves versus those with scaleable income. It’s so sad, yet know where I want to be. I’m learning the violin and computer languages. Maybe someday I’ll be able to use those skills in conjunction with making money in a scaleable way. Not yet.

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