Art or Commerce

My top three goals for the next three years are not related to art.

This makes me a little sad. Life without art and beauty is meaningless. A place that I loved to model has closed its doors. I haven’t played my violin in at least a year. My charcoal pencils are languishing. I haven’t written. I’m coming away from being in love with beauty and more towards finding use for my time that will help provide solutions to problems. I can’t afford to blame my dithering on art

But my goals are honest, and I’m motivated to work toward them:

1. Make $x/year in my new career

2. No more student loans

3. Be in amazing physical shape

And I appreciate free time and beauty more when I’ve made money. I deserve to have it or make it when I’ve closed a deal, or gotten another modeling gig. Life without the means to do what I want is meaningless as well.

My focus now is learning the textbook to my new career backward and forward. I have color coordinated flashcards and pepper the instructor with questions. My new career will lead to making money, which will aid in the goal of financial freedom. I am so over student loans and the feeling of indentured servitude.

My third goal, to run a marathon, has happened. Crappily, I didn’t lose fat, even though I’m in the best shape I’ve been in for a long time. Physical fitness is more essential than transcendent beauty and the uplifting euphoria that comes with creating something.

To get good at art means practice, dedication, doing it wrong A LOT and accepting that it’s a process of processing the process. I can’t afford to be poor anymore. Working with people who thought poor people are stupid was really messing with my head. Because I believe them (in my case, I am stupid. I don’t need to be poor.)

The end of bullshit means the beginning of the opportunity to prove to myself that I’m worth something. And not just a stupid poor person.

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